POSITION: Mom
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players
needed for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic
environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational
skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include
evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive
camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive
courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-the-site
training in basic life skills, such as nose blowing. Must
have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution and
crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus.
Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of
the box, because you most likely will need it for a school
project. Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient
in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want
to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of
your life.
Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud
and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above
mentioned skills in conflict resolution. Must be able to choose
your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand
criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must
be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone
needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and
be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in
case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone
just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical
challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish
toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain
calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for
clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to
be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must
handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million
cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices.
Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit,
because fund-raiser will be your middle name. Must have a
diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as
"What makes the wind move?" on the fly.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality
of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION:
Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position
for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and
updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately
surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering
frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when
they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help
them become financially independent. When you die, you give
them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary
scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance,
no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and
no stock options are offered, job supplies limitless opportunities
for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your
cards right.
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